I miss the beginning of all of this.  I miss crazy obsessing, and listening to music and staying up all night to convince you that this was worth the lack of rest.  I miss talking on the phone with a million other people, and we thought we were so cool with group phone calls. When I sat in the closet cause I talked too loud.  I miss stalking you and your girlfriend, when we thought you were so cute together.  I don’t know why we did that.

I miss when I didn’t know who you were.  When we bonded because we always were wondering what you were doing or wearing that day, we should have seen it then.  I miss writing notes to you every day, as if our lives were really that important.  Maybe they weren’t, but now….these memories are more precious than ever.  I even miss studying hardcore for midterms and finals, or staying up because we thought it would help us to cram more information in. 

I miss when we used to talk every night.  I miss when we would just sit for hours on skype and take dumb pictures.  I miss when your hair was long.  Not because it looked better then, but because I still remember that night that we made our hair into heart shaped buns, and I miss that.  I miss when I used to count how many boys you liked, and I used to hold a list.  This was the same time as when I used to sit with you at our bush, and I miss talking to you there.  I miss when it was three am in the morning and we endured wind, rain, and sleepiness because we just wanted to talk to each other.  I miss when we did evals on the sidewalk, and how we are crazy and no one knows.

I miss those days that I would look forward to work because it meant that all my favorite children were going to update me on their lives.  I miss listening, and I miss talking, and I miss them.  I miss your freckles and how you would stupidly grin at me after biting your pencil tip, as if I was going to just let it go.  I miss your insults, and how you would always compliment me right after.  I even miss how you would be so mopey the entire time, but every once in a while I caught you smiling or laughing softly at something dumb that I said.

I miss getting to know you.  I miss when we wrote letters with our non-dominant hands so that we could “practice” in case…well we just wanted an excuse to keep writing.  I miss when you didn’t know me, and I was scared to trust you.  I miss coming home to you, and it didn’t matter where we were because everywhere was home when you were around.  I miss sleeping well.

I miss those nights that it felt out of place to not be with you.  Where it was expected that each weekend or Friday night, we’d go out and do something.  I miss when we used to abuse our one friend, because you were the only one that could drive, and we wanted to get out.  We were so ready to grow up and leave, and now all I want to do is go back.  Those memories are etched in me. We would go out and eat, or watch Kung Fu Panda, or play board games in half rainy weather, I didn’t forget. I miss that.

I miss you.  Every single you that has been mentioned, and there are so many.  I miss you, and I will miss you.  And I won’t at the same time, because you’ll never leave right?  We’ll stay together, so I won’t have to miss you, but just miss memories because we were so perfect together.

The sun is shining. blink.
A breeze is coming through the open window. blink.
The world just shifted. think.
It wasn’t something you were ever good at. think.
You’re starting to question things. sink.
You don’t know what to do. sink.

I used to dream about us.
I know you’ve seen the same dreams in your mind,
I used to be able to see them in your eyes when you smiled at me.
I used to be able to feel them in your arms when you held me,
I used to be able to breathe them in when we were together,
and our dreams used to fill my heart,
they used to sing me lullabies,
now, neither of us sleep very well.

But now I have realized that I don’t need sweet dreams,
I need a reality to hold onto,
and you wouldn’t give me that.
I guess I can’t blame you,
we were both scared to try.

This is who I am.  I have close friends and family who can attest that for some reason, I put myself through unnecessary pain for people that don’t even care about me.  And my reasoning is, if I have so much love and support from people in my life, why should I not give?  But some days I feel like if I’m constantly giving and giving, maybe one day, I won’t have anything left.  And that’s scary.  I don’t know a me that can’t be positive about her circumstances.  I don’t know a me that stays bitter, or angry, or holds grudges.  It’s not the person I am.  And I can honestly sit here and tell you that I would rather cry and be hurt, than decide that I am worth more than this and let someone else cry.  Maybe I’m just overly maternal.  Or maybe I’m just dumb. But I know who I am, and I’m trying to find her again.  Because right now, some days, I’m not myself.  I’m not happy and optimistic, even though I know very well that I have so much to appreciate in my life, and I am blessed with so many things, but some days, I forget.  I’m just trying to find the balance between giving every ounce of love I have, and still being happy.  I always said, “Love, and love always.”  and I still stand by this statement.  Loving never hurt anyone. And I believe that if you are in pain still, you aren’t loving enough.  I told someone the other day that this is going to get a lot worse before it even starts looking better.  But if I just remember, to love more, and to give more, maybe I won’t lose myself in all of this.  I just hope to that there is enough love and positivity generating in my body.  Sometimes I have no idea where it comes from, I am just so grateful that it’s there.  I hope I never empty, and I hope I never tire.  I need to find myself again.  I’m not scared of crying or being vulnerable, it’s who I am.  I’m scared of not being able to be open and loving, or losing a piece of me in all of this.

They say love is blind.
Some people think that being plunged into darkness is some kind of miracle.
But I’m done trying to decipher the labyrinth of your heart,
all I want to do is escape.
And maybe every step I take I’ll stumble,
but no one waits forever and even the blind move on.

Someone told me to walk away.
I thought I couldn’t do it, but last night,
I didn’t cry,
so maybe this isn’t all that hard.
I guess I’m just this tired.
I guess I don’t expect anything from you anymore.
We had a good run.
Who am I kidding, we might not have been in love (in retrospect),
but we were some kind of miracle,
in ourselves.

I’m sorry you don’t think you love me enough.
You’re going to regret that,
everyone agrees.
I can say this because, right now,
I have an army behind me,
and they’re not letting me fall.
And maybe I’m not in love anymore,
maybe I am,
but they’re telling me I don’t need you,
and I’m starting to believe them.

EDIT: I don’t know anything anymore.

You know I miss you,
but some say that a friendship that ends
is one that never really began.